no stranger to jealousy.

i am a jealous person. envious person as well. i get possessive and obsessive. i cling tight to people to avoid loneliness. push away those who seem enthusiastic about being around me. 

anxious-avoidant. avoidant-anxious. anxious-avoidant. avoidant-anxious. 

i hate this about me. i can't escape it. 

i see people doing what i want and could do, i get bitter. the poison bubbles up and sits in my throat. i see people loving each other lightly and tenderly, my eyes tense up and get peppery. 

i got all sulky seeing my bestie having more success feeding pigeons than i did. we were seven. 

my grandma complimented my cousin's hair, i took it as a critique of mine. 

over and over and over again any sign of goodness in the world reminds me of my own shortcomings. 

it's a type of narcissistic behaviour, the most unproductive kind of egocentrism. that's how people become incels after all. stewing in their own saltiness. rotting away the days. 

i just need to get my sleep schedule back to normal.